You know those silly insignificant fears you have?
The ones that when you voice them and describe the actuality of the situation you are fearing, they sound kind of pathetic?
The ones that when you actually think about it, you go, "Why does that scare me so bad?"
I kinda have a lot of those.
Fears that I'm not interesting enough for people to like me and want to get to know me or that I'm not pretty enough for someone to think of me as beautiful and accept me for who I am. Even fears like this post is going to be too intense for people to want to continue reading my blog. These fears make me intimidated by people around me and keep me from being who God made me to be and doing things I actually want to do. It makes me compare myself to people, always wanting what they have, thinking they have so much more to offer than I do- and it makes me fail to recognize how the Lord has made me, which is perfect and that I actually do have a lot to offer.
Being intimidated by people is something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. When I've shared that with some of you at different times, you sound shocked- but it's the absolute truth.
How to proclaim that Christ is who I find my worth in is something I continually battle with. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop battling from it,
conquering it once and for all.
I write these things because I have to face my fears here at Gallaudet every day, particularly today, and it got me thinking.
A big fear of mine is speaking in front of people. With a smaller group, and by that I mean a-trustworthy-group-of-people-I-am-comfortable-with-and-know-somewhat-well, I am fine voicing my opinion freely and participating in a conversation. But once that group becomes bigger than say, 5 or 6 people, and unfamiliar, I become dysfunctional and sweaty and I forget what to say and can't create sentences that make sense. Imagine that, but with signing- a language I don't fully know and understand. With a small group of people, and I mean really small, I can get by okay- but I still get sweaty and nervous. I don't want to miss what they say and embarrass myself by things like thinking they're telling me something, but really, they are asking me a question but I just continue to smile and nod... I worry that they are going to become impatient with me and think I'm not worth talking to- when really, if the roles were reversed, I would want to help someone who is in my position.
This is why I am needing to face my fears today:
In my linguistics class, we are to partner with another class that is focussing on the editing programs of an IPad (they are using videos to create a virtual ASL dictionary on the Gallaudet website). The students in my class need to sign the definition of a Linguistic term (mine is Arbitrary Linguistic Symbol) in front of the other class, and their responsibility is to record and edit the video and make it available online. We met with the other class today, and of course, the people in the class are people I see on campus who I am actually pretty intimidated by- the kinds of students who are well known and very involved in different things on campus- the "popular" people, if you will. We're meeting at some point tonight to do the recording... and I'm scared.
It is silly. And so unnecessary.
And very much of the enemy.
Prayers that I will remember what I've been taught in fighting the enemy in these things and proclaiming the truths of Jesus Christ would be great.
That's my prayer.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts.
I do apologize if it was less than uplifting for you.
Happy Thursday, friends.
I love you all so much.